Messages From a Dead Slayer
by arianamissy
Summary: Angel grieves after Buffys Death S5. Much angst. Much brooding. Please R&R.
1. Default Chapter

"I want to say it"  
  
Angel was excited. And why shouldn't he be? They all made it out of that other dimension relatively unscathed. He had his friends back. All was right with the world. He opened the doors leading to the hotel.   
  
"There's no place like..." The word home hung in the air but no one uttered it.   
  
The heavy silence was hampered by the redhead sitting on the lobby couch. Her eyes downcast and her hands in her lap.   
  
She got up as if to address the group but no words came from her mouth.   
  
Words weren't needed.   
  
Grief emanated from the young witch.   
  
No she didn't have to say.   
  
Angel knew.  
  
"It's Buffy," he breathed.   
  
His head knew it but his heart wouldn't accept it to be true. Not Buffy. Not his Buffy.   
  
He was surprised at this thought.   
  
Buffy hadn't been his in a long time, but it seems as it he never thought of her as not his. She was always there, in his heart, a constant. She was his will, his drive, and now, she was dead.   
  
Dead?   
  
No his heart wouldn't accept that, Willow hadn't said it.   
  
But as much as he didn't want to believe, He knew.   
  
He just knew.  
  
Willow saw his turmoil and confusion, and desperate hope. His eyes were pleading with her to say it wasn't so.   
  
She wished she could oblige. She wished it more than anything.   
  
But the fact remained like a huge boulder pressing down on her making it hard to breathe.   
  
Buffy was dead.  
  
"We fought" she started.   
  
"All of us together... To save the world... And Dawn" It was getting hard not to break down here and now.   
  
"We we're too late... It had already begun..."  
  
Angel shook his head. "No."  
  
"There was nothing we could do... only her"  
  
Shaking his head furiously now. "No, no, no."  
  
"They were coming into out world... all the evil from other dimensions"  
  
Angel just looked at her, his eyes glistening with tears. Not wanting to hear, but not able to turn away.  
  
"She sacrificed" god that word was hard to say, "herself to save the world" tears were now streaming down her face and over her lips. She made no effort to wipe them away.  
  
Angel teetered there for a moment. Praying that it wasn't true.  
  
"She's dead"  
  
That was all he could stand. The dropped to his knees. Wavering there a moment while his heart comprehended what his head was telling it. Then he buried his face in his hands and cried.  
  
Willow was there, her arms wrapped around him. He was dimly aware of muffled sobs behind him.  
  
Cordelia and Wesley were clinging to each other crying freely. While Fred looked bewilderedly between them all.   
  
Cordy broke away. Taking Wesley by the arm she motioned for Fred to follow.   
  
It was best to leave him alone now.  
  
Angel didn't notice their departure nor Willows retreat. He was having trouble forming and coherent thoughts. He kept seeing her face, over and over again. No not Buffy. She is supposed to live. She is supposed to be happy. That's why he left. So she could move on, fall in love, get married, and maybe have kids one day. All the things he couldn't give her. All uncharacteristic of a slayer, but she is different. She is supposed to live. He knew it was impossible, but not for Buffy. She is special.  
  
'She was special' the thought resounded in his head, deafening him.   
  
Was.   
  
Past tense.   
  
She's gone now. No happiness, no love, no marriage, no kids.   
  
It all seemed so futile. He gave her up.   
  
He gave her up to be killed.  
  
"Angel" willow broke into his thoughts.   
  
"Angel, I have to go, the others are waiting. The funeral will be this Friday, in the evening. I wrote it down on the end table. Please come." She let the words linger as she pushed her self up and made her way to the door. There she hesitated turned around and said "she would want you to be there.... with her friends"  
  
Then she left, and Angel was alone with his grief. 


	2. Messages

The next few days were a blur, spent mostly in bed.   
  
Cordy had stopped by to check on him, and found him exactly as she had expected. He didn't eat he didn't sleep, he just thought.   
  
Of all the things he had given up, this was supposed to be right.   
  
It was supposed to be a good thing he did.   
  
But instead of her living the life she deserved more than any other.   
  
He had left her alone to die. He wasn't there when she needed him. Wasn't there. Was off in some other dimension wrestling with his self-loathing.   
  
He could have gotten back faster, if he had just tried.   
  
Would it have been in time?   
  
He wanted to sleep. He wanted the peace that came with blissful slumber.   
  
But peace would not come.  
  
Cordy shook her head when she came in Friday and saw Angel lying on his bed pretending to be dead.   
  
Well deader.   
  
She was attired in a long smartly cut black dress her hair piled atop her head and next to no makeup.   
  
She wouldn't admit to it but Buffy's death had hit her hard too. Not as hard as her employer, but she was mourning.   
  
She went into the dark musty smelling room and pulled the covers back. Not surprised to see that he was wearing the same boxer shorts he had gone to be in 4 days ago.   
  
"Angel get your butt up and throw it in the shower. You smell like my great aunt Martha." She wrinkled her nose.  
  
Angel didn't stir. Didn't even seem to notice the lack of blanket.   
  
"Angel come on, up. Oz will be here in an hour to pick us up in his van."   
  
Cordy got in his line of sight. Standing with her hands on her hips and tapping her left foot.   
  
There seemed to be no recognition in his eyes. As if he didn't know what and 'Oz' was.   
  
"Its Friday. You know, the day." She wanted to avoid saying the word funeral. It left a bitter taste in her mouth.   
  
"Look you are going weather you like it or not, and if I have to get Wesley to help me drag you into the shower then so be it."   
  
She meant it.   
  
He knew she meant it.   
  
He rolled out of bed and without a single word to her proceeded to the bathroom.  
  
Cordy wore a proud smile as she descended to the lobby.   
  
"You got him up," Wesley asked.   
  
"Yeah he's mindlessly showering as we speak." she piped.   
  
Her face took on a more serious note "how are we going to get through this Wesley?"   
  
Wesley alone knew the depth of her grief. They had cried together all night when they learned of it. They fell asleep together crying in her living room.   
  
"Going back there, facing all of them. Its almost too much."   
  
"We'll get through" he said circling his arms around her "its him I'm worried about" he looked up at the stairs.   
  
Cordy looked too. "I cant even imagine what he's going through." he added.   
  
They were silent then.   
  
Neither knew what to say.  
  
Cordelia was right Angel was mindlessly getting ready. He let the hot water cascade over him but he didn't feel it.   
  
He picked up his razor as he touched his newly grown beard but then put it back down. Facial hair didn't matter. Nothing mattered.   
  
He walked back into his dimly lit room sopping wet and naked. Pulled some clothes from his closet not even paying attention to what he picked, it was mostly black anyway, then proceeded to pull them on to his sticky wet body.   
  
He was going through the motions but not seeing or feeling anything. He was numb, of mind and body.   
  
He was out the door and almost pulled the door shut when a blinking red light caught his eye. He saw it but he didn't see it. It was just there, red and blinking. It took a minute or two to figure out that it was actually there and not in his head. Then another minute to figure out that it was coming from the answering machine.   
  
Who could it be from?   
  
He had been in here since.... well.... for a few days. And he was sure he would have heard the phone ring. He wouldn't have answered it of course but he would have heard it. Or he thought he would have.   
  
He was about to ignore it and close the door but his curiosity was too much. He went back in, to the little nightstand where the phone was situated and looked at the number that was ominously blinking 5.   
  
Unwillingly his hand hovered over the play button. He trembled slightly as he pressed it.   
  
The machine came to life. Giving the date and time of the first message.   
  
The numbers meant nothing to him he didn't even know what date today was let alone the ones the little mechanical box was spewing. Then the message started.   
  
"Hi," small hesitation "Angel?" Another pause. "This is Buffy..."  
  
The machine went on but he was no longer listening.   
  
It was Eerie like a voice from beyond the grave. Little shivers ran up his spine. Because in a way that's exactly what it was.   
  
The message was over and the little machine was busy telling the date and time of the next message. He had missed the entire thing. Good thing there was a replay button.   
  
But instead of replay he pushed stop. Did he really want to hear what she had said? This dead girl. This girl he had loved, still loved. Could he live with himself if he listened to it, could he if he did not?   
  
He knew, that he had to know.   
  
And he pressed that dammed button.   
  
"Hi... Angel.... It's Buffy. I ummm need... Well remember when I said that you didn't need to run around behind my back trying to protect me? Unless I was in some kind of real danger... well I am... Now... Look something big is going down here. I don't know the specifics yet. But it's bad. And. I... need you... here. Now...It's very hard for me to ask this of you. It will be even harder to see you. But there's no way around it. Please just call me back soon. lov...... ummmm bye."  
  
He pressed the stop button on the foul contraption scowling.   
  
This horrible torment.   
  
Oh god she had needed his help. Of course she had needed his help he already knew that.   
  
What he hadn't known is that she had asked for it.   
  
Asked this little machine to produce a hero to come and save the day.   
  
A hero.   
  
An untrustworthy incompetent slob whom she had just happened to fall in love with.   
  
He hadn't been there when she needed him. He had come to terms with that. The guilt was overbearing but he realized it. But now after hearing her voice. Pleading with him to give her some of his time. To save her. Oh god it was all too much.   
  
His legs no longer being able to support his weight he sat heavily in the black leather chair next to the nightstand.   
  
'You weren't there, you weren't there' replaying over and over in his mind until he actually heard her voice say it.   
  
Then he could see her face, her beautiful face frowning at him. Her lips moved along with the words but the voice came from everywhere.   
  
He went to far as to cover his ears with his hands, but there was no escape because it was inside his head.   
  
A knock at the door startled him out of his daydream.   
  
Cordelia opened the door a bit further and stepped partway inside. Her eyes adjusting to the lack of light.   
  
She saw him slumped in the chair. Soaking wet but dressed that was an improvement she guessed.   
  
"Angel are you ready to go yet? They'll be here any minute. "   
  
Angel just nodded.   
  
She had trouble seeing the gesture though.   
  
"We are waiting downstairs and we think that you should come."   
  
"I'll be down in a minute," he snapped.   
  
She tried not to take any offense "Ok hurry up".   
  
Angel didn't answer just watched her retreat and listened to her footsteps down the hall. The clomping sound of her heels annoyed him but it was better than the sounds in his head right now.   
  
Angel looked around the dank musty room. He wanted so much to climb back into bed pull the covers back over him and stay there, for an eternity if need be.   
  
He really didn't want to face them all. The way he had let them down.   
  
He didn't want to have to look into that coffin and see her little body resting forever in that small wooden box.   
  
Buffy hated small places, she had told him once. Gave her the wiggins as she so aptly put it.   
  
He knew better than to think that it was actually her in there, no, just her body. Her soul sure having gone off to heaven or the illesion fields or whatever paradise she so much deserved.   
  
He would never see her again, for he was a monster and monsters didn't go to paradise.   
  
Finally his eyes rested back on the answering machine, which was now blinking 4.   
  
Well no message could top the one that had just shattered his unbeating heart so why not listen to the rest. He pressed the button and the machine rattled off some more incomprehensible numbers before playing the next message.   
  
"Angel it's Buffy, again. I thought for sure you would have called me back by now so maybe you didn't get the last message. That's why I hate these things I cant count the number of message I haven't gotten. Plus I sound really bad on tape. Heh. And I'm babbling already. Ok the reason I called is to ask for your help. I learned more about what we are up against and I believe it may be more than I can handle. Angel I have to fight a god. Yeah a god right here in little old sunnydale. It gets worse. She's after dawn. There's something about my baby sister that you don't know and I don't really have time to explain it all right now so I'll just say that she needs Dawn. Dawn is the key. She, the god, doesn't know it yet though that Dawn is the one she needs. But I know she'll find out. It's just a matter of time. That's all I know for now. Call me back or come to Sunnydale and I'll fill you in on the rest.... And please hurry!" Click  
  
Angel sat in shocked silence at his past lover's voice. She sounded so alive, scared, but alive.   
  
What did she mean by 'something I don't know about Dawn.' He had known her since she was a little girl, he though he would recognize if something was 'off' about her.   
  
What would a god need with Dawn?   
  
While he was pondering this the next message was starting. It was Buffy again and no matter how much he wanted to turn it off and stop this torture he had too many questions. Answers to which this machine might be able to give him. So he listened.  
  
"Angel! God please be there. I don't know what to do! Dammit Angel of all the times to go on vacation! I'm in serious trouble. She found out. Glory that's the god's name. She found out that Dawn is the key. And I did the only thing I could think to do. I ran! WE all packed up into a little camper and ran. We are now holding up in some abandoned farmhouse looking thing on the outskirts of LA. We didn't make it very far before we were attacked by an army of vigilante religious freaks who want to take care of the problem at the source. Meaning they want to kill Dawn before Glory can get a hold of her. They are all outside now held back only by willows magic but I don't know how long she can keep it up. Giles is seriously hurt. I don't know if he's gonna make it. What am I going to do if he dies? But there's a doctor here that's treating him and I'm using his cell phone. If you can call me back tonight." the sound is muffled like she pulled the phone away from her mouth "Ben what's this phone number?" short pause "545-7859 call me back soon please I don't know how long we can hold them off. Please."  
  
Angel's mouth was gaping open now. He couldn't stand the fear and the anger in her voice. She had run away? He never knew her to run away from anything. It must have been bad. Of course it was bad. So bad that it killed her. But the message didn't answer any of his questions. God this was like watching from the sidelines. There was nothing he could do. He was too late.  
  
"She took her..." Buffy's voice was quiet and strained. "Just took her right from me. And I didn't do anything about it. I just watched as she dragged my sister away. I fell apart. I couldn't think anymore. I kind of went catatonic." she let out a defeated chuckle "Willow had to come get me. She got into my mind and brought me back. I have to say I'm impressed with her she's really becoming quite the witch. But Angel I let it happen. I know I could have done more. But I gave up. I wanted it to be over. And now my sisters' dead. I'm the slayer I save the world from unspeakable demons on a weekly basis, but I couldn't save the one I loved most. The only on I have left. She's me you know? There were monks and they made her out of me. All the memories we all have, of growing up with her, of her sneaking up on us when we were smooching, they're not real. The monks made them too. Made her so perfectly and so neatly placed her in my life none of us knew. She wasn't really my sister. But it doesn't matter because she feels like my sister. To me. And I let her die."  
  
The message abruptly ended. Leaving a very confused Angel staring blankly at the machine. He couldn't take any more right now. Not till he processed what he had already heard. He pressed the stop button. Then he heard the horn blow outside. They were here.   
  
Now he had to get up. To face them and to face her.   
  
He pushed himself out of the chair and stood on wobbly legs. Then when he regained some leverage he left the room and closed the door behind him.   
  
The answering machine still blinked with one message yet unheard.   
  
Calling out to him.   
  
Buffy's final message pleaded with him to return.   
  
But he did not.  
  
The drive to Sunnydale was stoic. Even the usually bubbly Cordelia was silent. Just staring at nothing in particular. Her arm entwined with Wesley's as if she needed it to hold her upright.   
  
Oz and Willow were in the front seats leaving angels group with the couch in the far back of the utility van.   
  
Angel didn't remember it being in there last time he had gotten a ride, but he had just been tortured for hours, it very well could have been.   
  
Xander and the others were not present. Angel guessed that they opted out of the bonding experience. Sure that they would meet up with them at the funer... No he couldn't say it.   
  
It was too hard.   
  
Made harder by the messages he had just listened too.   
  
He knew he should tell someone about them but he wanted to keep them to himself... the last piece of Buffy that was his. He wasn't sure if Willow knew that Buffy had called him. Probably not. She always tried to stay strong in front of them.   
  
Only he knew of her insecurities.   
  
She had shared them with him when they were still together. Probably thinking they would be together forever.   
  
But what did young girls who had a sacred duty and probably wouldn't live past the age of 25 know about forever?   
  
He knew forever.   
  
And at times like this he knew that forever was way too long.   
  
Like forever to feel guilty for letting his beloved go to her death alone. The thought made his stomach turn.   
  
He had been trying so hard to make amends for all the evil he had wrought as Angelus. So wrapped up in his new world but secretly hoping that he would have the chance to go back to her. When he averted the apocalypse.   
  
It was told that he would get his humanity back.   
  
So he greedily set about doing it. Not paying attention to those around him. He pushed his friends away. And now he lost Buffy.   
  
Now the dream he had built up of going to her one bright day and kissing her like he had done once before was shattered into tiny little fragments. And there was no way to put it back together.   
  
Dammit he had given his life up for hers.   
  
More than once. And this is how the fates pay him back?   
  
He was scowling now and it took all his might to back down off the edge and not let the demon side of him show through.   
  
This was his guilt he would deal with it himself he didn't want the others to see his turmoil. He bit down.   
  
His mind was rapidly reliving all the scenes of the day that never happened. God how could he have been so stupid. He knew that apocalyptic prophecies were vague at best. How could he have let her go a second time?   
  
They would have had it all. If he could have just gotten off his high horse and let her take the lead.   
  
The at least he would have been there with her at the end.   
  
Or maybe she would have been here with him. Happily making a life and family for them.   
  
A house a boat and two beautiful children.   
  
The fantasy abruptly ended when the brakes squealed to a halt. Jarring the pleasant dream.   
  
He grasped tightly to the images but they were slipping away.   
  
Only then did he realize that he had been sleeping.   
  
The night air was cool and it reminded Angel that his hair was still damp.   
  
The congregation met in front of the silent looming structure that acted as one of many of Sunnydales funeral homes. The group consisted of Giles, Xander, Anya, Willow, Oz, Dawn, and a blonde girl he didnt recognize. And of course his team.   
  
Willow instantly went to the blondes side. they embraced collecting Dawn to join them in the hug.   
  
Angel felt very out of place. 


	3. More Brooding

Angel hung back as the others entered the structure, busying himself by studying the ornate carvings around the double doors. The last thing he wanted to do wan go in there. Even Cordelia and Wesley slipped into the ranks as they entered.  
  
He had never really been part of the group. The only common link had been Buffy. She had opened a world to him that he had never even hoped to get into again. She had loved him endlessly and for no good reason that he could think of. She saw the evil in him first hand just as she had seen the good. And she still loved him. He hadn't deserved someone like her.  
  
His heart constricted as he remembered the times they had spent together. The new things she introduced him to. The knowledge he had shared with her. The sweet kisses and tender caresses. Falling asleep in each other's arms content to just feel the contact of each others skin. He was almost smiling now.  
  
Lost in his thoughts he hadn't noticed Dawn creep back out the doors. Didn't notice until she slipped her hand into his. He looked into Buffy's younger sisters red-rimmed eyes. She wanted him here, if no one else. And for him that was enough.  
  
He let her lead him inside, down a long lamp lit hall, and into a large room full of fold out chairs and overly decorated with exotic flowers. The light was a dim glow of the few lamps around the room. The podium was off to the right and further back was the white casket gleaming in the overhead light that hung only in that part of the room. He noted where it was but he didn't dare approach it.  
  
"I'm going to have a seat," he told Dawn. She just half nodded and let go of his hand.  
  
He picked a chair in the far back, not for lack of seating; actually the funeral was very small. There were only a few people he didn't recognize. This surprised him. Buffy touched so many lives. Helped so many. And only a few came to pay their respects. It disgusted him. But then most of the people she had saved probably fell victim to Sunnydales notorious ignorance disease. Rationalizing to themselves that it never happened.  
  
He recognized Riley who now had his arm draped over Dawns shoulders. Angel felt a twinge of jealousy. This is what he had given her up for. This boy who could take her into the light. He had told Buffy that he didn't like him. He still didn't.  
  
The priest came in and announce that the service would begin shortly and asked for everyone to take their seats. The groups quietly complied separating into different areas to sit. Buffy's closest friends and sister right up front all holding hands and leaning close. The rest drifted into other sections in groups of two's and four's. Cordy and Wesley took their seats next to Angel. He appreciated their caring but he wished they had sat elsewhere. His skin was itching with the need to get out of this place. It was driving him mad.  
  
The priest began: "Today we are gathered to mourn the loss of a dear friend and sister who was taken from this world all to soon. Buffy Anne Summers loved and was loved in return and no one her will forget her radiant smile....."  
  
Angel was no longer listening he was still stuck on 'loved and was loved in return'. It was true. He didn't know if the priest had ever even met Buffy but his words were soothing. Buffy's life however short had been full of love. Everyone in this room knew what a wonderful person she was. She was easily adored. Friend, protector, confidante, lover.  
  
The last he liked to think as being his own. He knew she had moved on, to this boy, Riley. But they couldn't possibly have shared what he and Buffy had. They were part of each other, soul mates some might say. His love for her never wavered, Strong as a tidal wave but soft as the ocean waters that wrought it. Surely she had know that, right?  
  
He hadn't considered the question before but now as he pondered it he wasn't sure. He would always love her this he knew without question. But had she known? They had fallen more and more out of touch, both opting for the easier route of their separation. He felt it whenever she was near but he never voiced it.  
  
It was just too hard.  
  
It hurt too much, for both of them.  
  
It was easier to avoid each other and to not say the words.  
  
But had she known at the end? Had she felt betrayed because he didn't answer her cries for help? Had she known as her soul was being ripped from her body that he never would have intentionally done anything to hurt her?  
  
Ever.  
  
He was close to tears so he stopped thinking and concentrated on the people around him. They were already in tears. The priest was finishing up. Angel had missed most of it. It was probably better that way. 


	4. what you meant to us

Sorry I haven't been letting you guys know weather there was a new chapter coming or not. Im kinda new at this. But there are new chapters coming I swear. Oh and I forgot the disclamer. Joss: everything me: zip. There that otta do it. Hope you enjoy this chapter its very angsty. Thanks to all who reviewed and keep em coming.   
  
"Willow Rosenburgh Was Buffy's best friend and she has asked to say a few words. Willow?"   
  
The redhead awkwardly approached the podium. It was no secret that she hated public speaking so anything she was going to say now had to be worth listening to.  
  
She had prepared a speech, which she now placed before her. Talking about all the great things Buffy did and what a wonderful person she was. But now, standing here, that wasn't what she wanted to talk about.   
  
"As father Kline said I was Buffy's best friend, and she was mine. I don't know how to put into words how much she meant to me. She befriended me in high school when I was nothing more than an over-accommodating nerd. But I learned more from her than I ever learned in any school." there were tears streaming down her face but she didn't acknowledge them.   
  
"She taught me to Carpe Diem 'seize the day'. She said life is short. She lived every day with love and compassion. I took it for granted that she would always be there. I'm not sure I ever told her that I loved her. And even If I did it wasn't often enough. She was the one I could always talk to about everything. And now I'm just so lost." She broke down crying and instantly the blonde (her name being overheard as Tara) was at her side one hand holding hers and the other on her back.   
  
"She sacrificed herself for us! I hope none of us ever forgets that. And I'll never forget the caring, heroic, wonderful person that was my best friend" She choked then let Tara lead her back to her seat.   
  
"Thank you Willow, The priest said, returning to the podium." He wiped at his eyes with a handkerchief.   
  
"That was beautiful, I'm sure Buffy is looking down on us today and thinks the same thing. In just a moment I will leave you to say your final goodbyes, but first Buffy's little sister Dawn wrote a poem for her sister that she would like to share with you all."  
  
Dawn approached the podium. She looked so much older than she had a week ago. Her eyes were bloodshot her cheeks tearstained, and she kept her head down when she walked. She had seen too much grief in her short life, Angel though. His heart went out to the young girl.   
  
For My Sister she began.  
  
"You never let me tag along, but I did anyway  
  
You didn't like me wearing your clothes, so I snuck them  
  
You tried to keep secrets from me, so I told mom on you  
  
I always got into trouble, you always helped me out of it  
  
You tried to teach me about the world, but I didn't listen  
  
When I fell, you picked me up  
  
When I cried, you soothed me  
  
When I told lame jokes, you laughed at them  
  
I didn't appreciate you as my sister, until now  
  
I didn't tell you how much you mean to me, until now  
  
I never doubted that you would protect me  
  
I just wish you were here now so I could thank you  
  
I'm not perfect, but you loved me anyway  
  
Because I am you  
  
I am your sister  
  
I've never been prouder to say that  
  
And I love you" 


	5. small talk

Dawn practically ran from the podium. She hurried out of the room and down the hall to the ladies room. Willow was hot on her heels, only to get the door shut and locked before she got there.   
  
Angel watched the procession from his vantage point. And wondered if he should go follow them. No this was way over his head.   
  
How could he possibly help Dawn deal with her loss when his answer had been to lie in bed?   
  
He heard Willow knocking on the door and pleading with Dawn to let her in.   
  
He begrudgingly got up and followed the sound.   
  
Willow was standing with her head against the oak door labeled ladies. One hand placed flatly against it and the other hanging limply at her side.   
  
Angel didn't know how to deal with people least of all when they were upset. He had been cut off from them for so long he wasn't sure if he would ever be able to. But he tried his best.   
  
He laid a hand on Willows shoulder. She turned to him and let out a breath.   
  
"I don't know what to do." she told him.   
  
"She blames herself. I've tried everything I can think of to make her understand that it wasn't her fault."   
  
Guilt Angel could relate to "why don't you get back to the service, I'll see what I can do."   
  
She sighed and nodded, then left him standing in front of the oak door.   
  
He knocked softly "Dawn, can you come out I want to talk to you."   
  
No response.   
  
"Willow went back to the service its only me here now. You want to go take a walk or something?"   
  
To this she finally opened the door a bit and peeked out of the crack. Seeing that he was the only one there she opened the door all the way.   
  
"Lets get out of here" was the only thing she said.  
  
It started getting dark a lot earlier this time of the year in Sunnydale. It was only 6:30 but as they walked along the path it was dark enough to be midnight.   
  
They walked in silence for a long while. Angel had no idea what to say to the distraught girl.   
  
Thankfully she initiated.   
  
"I can't believe she's gone, ya know? I keep expecting her to jump out of some bushes and yell at me for being out after dark" she tried to smile but it looked strained.   
  
She walked ahead a bit and took a seat on a bench situated on the bus route. Angel quietly sat beside her.   
  
"I was such a pain," she added.   
  
"She loved you anyway, no matter what you did. She wasn't perfect either, she had her faults. We all do." He told her honestly.   
  
Dawn considered for a moment. Everybody had been so wrapped up in what a good person Buffy had been and all the wonderful things she did. She had almost forgotten that Buffy was a person. A human being with her own thoughts and emotions.   
  
Dawn remembered that Buffy could be jealous and spoiled at times. She remembered a time when they were very young, long before they moved to Sunnydale, Buffy had been mad at her for putting dirt in her hair. She had told her that Mommy and Daddy had gotten her from a spaceship that crashed in the backyard. And every time there was a light in the sky Buffy would jump up and down and say 'look Dawn they are coming back for you!'   
  
Just last week she had yelled at Dawn for borrowing her shirt without asking, but then turned around and did the same thing with Dawns new tank.   
  
But she had been there for her when it counted. Saved her life time and time again. Then ultimately sacrificed herself for her younger sister.   
  
Dawn sniffled. What was she going to do now? She had no one left.   
  
She was half tempted to run away like Buffy did when she was 17. But she didn't have any money. And didn't know where to go.   
  
Maybe Angel would take her to LA with him. She had old friends there. Or at least she thought she did, she had lost touch with most of them over the years. But surely they would welcome her back, right?   
  
Who was she kidding? She couldn't leave. This was her home. No matter how many bad memories were attributed to it.   
  
She would stay. Willow and Tara would take care of her. She would go on, they all would.  
  
Angel was in turmoil. He had no idea how to comfort Dawn. He hoped that simply his presence would help. He really didn't know what would become of her. She had no one family left.   
  
He was sure the rest of the gang would take care of her. Giles would probably take care of the legal issues. But he felt that most of her problem was going to be emotional.   
  
No matter who or how many times they told her it wasn't her fault, she would feel guilty until she accepted that it really wasn't.   
  
And he had a pretty good feeling that that kind of epiphany was far off. All he could do was reassure her.   
  
"You know, I loved Buffy more than anything. She meat everything to me. She always saw me as a man, never a demon. Even when I turned bad, she still couldn't see me as anything but the man she loved. She ignored her good sense and all of her friends when she should have killed me, and she didn't. But when it was too late, she did what needed to be done. I always admired her strength." He looked at Dawn who was staring at him intently.   
  
"You wanna know what I didn't like about her?" Now Dawn turned completely to face him folding her legs Indian style on the bench. She nodded.   
  
"She used to write Buffy and Angel all over the place. Little doodles everywhere. In my books, on little post it's that she placed all over my apartment, she even wrote in on my hand with gel pen once." He laughed at the memory. He had been so irritated, though he hadn't voiced it. It was silly now for him to have gotten mad over something so trivial.   
  
Even Dawn laughed. A genuine laugh like she hadn't done in what felt like forever.   
  
"But I did love her, I still do actually. I never stopped. I just hope she knew that. I'm so sorry I let her down." His eyes were watering now.   
  
Dawn immediately gave him a hug "you could never let her down Angel, she loved you too much to be disappointed in you."   
  
Angel figured she didn't know about the phone calls but it felt good to have her say that anyway.   
  
When they broke apart they both quickly turned away so that the other would not see each other crying. It was silly, but if Angel could keep some of his dignity intact he would be grateful.  
  
"What do you say we get back before we are missed?" He asked.  
  
She didn't answer verbally, just stood up and entwined her arm in his and they walked back. 


	6. The visits

More to come soon. And I just want to say thanks to all who reviewed! You are my inspiration to keep writing. Thanks!  
  
The procession was wrapping up by time they got back. The group met them outside of the funeral home. Willow approached when she caught sight of them.  
  
"We are almost done here," she said, directing it towards Angel. Then she turned to Dawn.  
  
"Do you want to go inside and ummm.... say goodbye? " Dawn nodded "yes" and she started to the entrance. Willow followed until Dawn abruptly turned around.  
  
"But I'd like to do it alone."  
  
Willow was going to protest but she glimpsed Angel who nodded his agreement with Dawn. She bit her lip.  
  
"Ok Dawn go ahead, we will be right here" They watched her enter.  
  
"So, how did it go?" Willow asked, still looking in the direction Dawn had gone.  
  
"She feels to blame. And I'm not exactly one to help someone work through guilt." He paused and looked at Willow  
  
"What exactly happened anyway? I think I got only the watered down version. Why does she think it's her fault?"  
  
Willow took a deep breath and turned to him then proceeded to tell him the whole story. Well the ten minute version.  
  
Angel couldn't help but visibly tense when she got to the part where Buffy jumped from the tower. He saw it through Willows eyes, as she explained in vivid detail how she had leapt bravely. Falling with agonizing slowness then getting 'stuck' in the portal. Willow explained too well the pain etched in her best friends features. Angel couldn't imagine staring up into her eyes, not being able to do anything to help her. To save her from this terrible fate. He wasn't sure, had he been there, if he would have been able to stop it. But he sure would have tried. Placing himself on that tower with her he knew he wouldn't have let her jump, rest of the world be dammed.  
  
Angel suddenly felt a tingling sensation and looked up to see Spike plodding towards them. He was instantly upon him throwing punches while Spike just received.  
  
"What are you doing here Spike?" he asked between punches. God a little violence could feel so good. Spike pushed Angel suddenly and took a few steps back.  
  
"I came to see her," he said defiantly emphasizing her.  
  
Willow had caught up by now  
  
"Angel its ok he can't bite anyone" it seemed kind of absurd her coming to Spikes rescue.  
  
The rest of the gang had caught up also  
  
"yeah he's been neutered" Anya added, earning a low growl from Spike.  
  
She didn't even flinch.  
  
Spike made a sound of disgust "look I'm just gonna go inside and say my goodbyes and I'll be on my way"  
  
He tired to push past only to be hindered by Angels fist. Again.  
  
Angel grabbed him by the lapels of his black leather coat  
  
"I don't care how helpless you are now, your not going anywhere near her, understand?"  
  
Spike didn't answer him, instead he produced a single red rose from his coat pocket and tossed it to Willow.  
  
"Be sure that she gets that would you Red." He gave a final glare at Angel then swept away dramatically, his coat flapping behind him.  
  
Angel wondered if his coat did that when he walked.  
  
"Spike kind of developed a crush on Buffy after you left" Willow explained. She was still holding the rose.  
  
Angel remained silent.  
  
Spike was out of sight but the tingling hadn't ceased there had to be another vampire around here somewhere...he faced the funeral home...  
  
"Dawn"  
  
He was already running back to the building when they heard her scream. A few seconds later he was in the room again.  
  
First he placed Dawn, up against the wall near the coffin.  
  
The vampire, a young man with dirty blonde hair turned suddenly at the sound of Angels entrance.  
  
"Don't you have any respect" Angel quipped.  
  
He made short work of the armature, breaking a chair to use its leg as a stake.  
  
As the dust settled Angel stood facing the still open coffin.  
  
He looked at her lying there peacefully and couldn't turn away.  
  
The others had made it to the door but Dawn quickly stopped them, quietly motioning for them to leave him alone.  
  
Dawn took another glance at Angel before following suit. 


	7. confessions

I take forever to update I know. I've been so busy lately, catching up on papers I know I should have started weeks ago. I'm such a procrastinator. Well here's the next chapter hope you enjoy. Sorry its so sort. Ill make up for it in the next one I promise  
  
Angel stood transfixed.  
  
Buffy.  
  
His Buffy. She was so beautiful.  
  
She looked like she was peacefully slumbering. Surely any minute now she would wake up, smile at him, and melt into his embrace.  
  
Angel shook his head. He had seen too much death in his lifetime to indulge in silly fantasies.  
  
Her eyes would not open again, and for that he was grateful. There was only one way he knew of for that to come about, and he was glad that she had been spared that torture.  
  
He came closer until he was leaning against the coffin. He was half tempted to kiss her still lips, but thwarted the idea as soon as it came to his mind.  
  
He was no knight in shining armor. And she was not his sleeping beauty. She was far more precious than any fairy tale princess.  
  
His mind was a tumble of emotions. He had to touch her in some way. Make sure she was real. That this wasn't just some nightmare.  
  
He reached into the coffin and touched her hair. Just as soft as he remembered. A little longer now, and slightly curled, but still the same golden blonde he had kept in his memory.  
  
He stood for a few minutes ideally smoothing her hair.  
  
Then he brushed her cheek with the backs of his fingers.  
  
Her skin, now as cold as his own, was still smooth and flawless.  
  
He blinked back his tears, and moved his hand down to clasp one of her hands that were neatly placed over her abdomen.  
  
"Buffy" he said quietly not trusting his voice. He sighed and looked down trying to collect his thoughts. When he looked back up at her face his gaze didn't waver.  
  
"I did what I thought was right. At the time. I truly believed that it was. You deserved more than I could give you. I made the decision for us and wouldn't hear your arguments. If only I had known. All you did was love and care and give. And all I did was hurt you. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for both of us if we had never met... But then, I see your face in my mind. I see you sleeping next to me. Your hair sprawled everywhere, a content look on your face. Your warmth and beauty, everything I left behind. And I know better. I don't know where I would be right now had you not been in my life. But I do know that I wouldn't be half the man I am today. You're the reason Buffy. The reason I get up every night and go on saving the innocent, fighting evil. Its all for you. Every life I save is a direct result of you... saving me. I don't know if I can go on without you. Without my inspiration..."  
  
He cried now and tore his gaze away only to return it a moment later. A look of grim resolve in his eyes.  
  
"But I'll try. And every day I'll thank you for all you gave. And beg your forgiveness for not being here for you like I should have been. Always."  
  
That said, he indulged himself in one whim he found it harder and harder to ignore. He leaned down and placed a kiss on her forehead.  
  
But after doing it still felt unresolved. He indulged his fancy and brushed a light kiss on her lips, closing his eyes and imagining that when he opened them she would be lovingly staring up at him. But he wasn't surprised when she was not.  
  
As he left the room he remembered one time asking 'you still my girl?' And he could swear he heard her voice say  
  
'always'. 


	8. The last message

I know I am like the slowest person alive when it comes to updating. I'm sorry I can only write when the muse bites and in this case it was at 3am Sunday night. Good thing morning classes were cancelled. Ok so this is the final chapter in this story but wait before you throw yourself on the floor in a temper tantrum, I have decided to make it into a trilogy. Giving my readers exactly what Joss would not. All the 'in between parts'. You'll see.  
  
Angel sat in his room in the dark staring at the blinking red light on the answering machine. They had gotten back hours ago, Cordy and Wesley making a hasty exit. He had been sitting there ever since in his black leather chair trying to work up the nerve to press the button.  
  
A few times already his hand hovered over the machine briefly only to be returned to his lap, or his coarse chin, or behind his head.  
  
Frustrated with himself he got up and paced the room. He had to hear the last message and he knew without a doubt that it was from Buffy. But it was so hard. Just hearing her voice seemed unbearable.  
  
Why couldn't he just live out his lonely days here in this small room? It would be so easy. The others would pester him for a while but they would soon give up and let him dwell in his own self loathing.  
  
But no, that wouldn't be fair to all those innocents out there. Alone in the darkness...  
  
But most of all, it wouldn't be fair to Buffy.  
  
To her memory.  
  
All the people he saved where just a niche in time, meandering about trying to make a difference when the one who really made all the difference was buried six feet in the ground in a graveyard in a little town that hardly anyone even knew existed.  
  
He opted to ignore the blinking light for now and instead headed for the shower.  
  
He stood motionless under the scalding hot water but it could not warm him the way the mere sight of her always had.  
  
Her light touch radiated heat that warmed him to the core.  
  
She made him feel. alive.  
  
There was nothing in the world left to warm him now.  
  
He toweled off slowly, mechanically.  
  
Touching the stubble on his chin he remembered once when Willow had asked him how he shaved without a mirror. Two hundred years of experience that's how. Buffy had always hated the scratchiness of the growth. Hated it enough to withhold kisses from him until he shaved which was more a punishment for her. But with an exasperated sigh she would finally drag him to the bathroom lather him up and do it herself.  
  
He did it on purpose, just to feel her caressing his face delicately, lovingly. He would watch her, concentrating so hard to make sure she didn't give him the slightest nick, even though a shallow cut from a razor would have healed within minutes.  
  
He pulled out his razor and cream and got rid of the stubble, cutting himself a few times in his carelessness. But they healed by the time he left the bathroom. He turned on the lights and pulled out some clean clothes all the time peeking at the answering machine from the corner of his eye.  
  
Finally and with grim determination he walked purposefully to it. His hand barely got close enough to touch the play button when the machine came to life, rattling off the date and time.  
  
Then the message began:  
  
"Angel? ... It's almost time, I have to go soon. I just had to call you first. This is bigger than anything I've ever come up against and some of us aren't going to make it. I don't know how I know, but I just do. Giles, the guys they want me to. Kill her. Can you believe that? Her blood, Dawns blood, that's the key and once the gate opens, there's no way to stop it but to finish it. I can't do that. I told Giles, I won't do that. She's all I have left. I won't give her up too, I'll die first. If anybody tries to hurt her I'll kill them, my friends, my watcher, anyone. I gave up my heart to save the world once, how many more times must I do it? I can't, I can't." (Breaking off) ".But I had to say this to you before I go, so, I'm, just gonna say it. Here goes. I love you. There I said it. Look, we haven't said the words since graduation it's just to hard but I wanted to let you know. Our feelings haven't changed. Neither time nor distance could ever change it. I know you still love me I can see it in the way you look at me, I can hear it in your voice, I can feel it even when your miles away. And you were right in leaving; you made the decision that I couldn't you gave me the opportunity at a pseudo-normal life. And I want to thank you for that. But Angel, I've had normal, I've had sunshine, and picnics, laughs, and normalcy, and it just doesn't compare to what you gave me. Do you believe in soul-mates? That two people were made for each other? A perfect fit. I'm almost thankful for Darla, that she turned you. That's a horrible thing to think huh? She killed you, turned you into a monster. But part of me will be forever in her debt, because if not for her I never would have met you. Soul-mates were separated by time, so maybe its destiny? But I can't imagine my life if you hadn't been in it. You're my inspiration, my drive, and my love. I have a battle ahead of me. And if I fail to save her then this world might be over but I will die protecting her. I won't give up."  
  
She hung up abruptly and Angel was left once again with his own thoughts. In his dark room he contemplated what he was to do next. How could he go on in this world without his meaning for life?  
  
Hours later still mulling over the same question he finally decided that there was no answer to be had here. He grabbed a piece of paper and a pen from his nightstand and scribbled a note to Cordelia and Wesley. Packed a small bag and locked up the hotel behind him.  
  
The note read:  
  
Cordy and Wesley, I've decided that I must leave for a while. There is something I have to figure out for myself and I cannot find the answers here. I have a good friend in the orient that I must see. Do not try to find me; I will be back when I'm ready. Please take care of things while I'm gone.  
  
Angel  
  
Feed me!!!! I crave reviews!!! 


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